One Bead at a Time

As I mentioned in the last post, the months after the interview were a period of preparing and waiting. All 6 of us were required to obtain medical clearances, proving we were fit to live ANYWHERE, including places with limited healthcare. One day we made quite the sitcom scene at a local lab clinic. In little old Panama City, Florida, the staff looked at us like we were crazy when we told them the whole crew needed TB tests! The nurse even said she had never ever done one on kids that young before. We quickly fell into a tragic looking, but also somewhat comedic rhythm. I would pick up one kid, carry kid back to the room where a needle would be stuck in their arm, (cue the howling), haul kid back to the waiting room, pluck a lollipop out of the secretary’s hand (I couldn’t even see her, I just rounded the corner and there was an arm sticking out of the check out window with a lollipop) as I marched past, hand lollipop to screaming kid, hand screaming kid to husband in the waiting room, and pick up the next child in line, whose eyes by now were wide with horror. Needle, scream, lollipop, repeat. Needle, scream, lollipop, repeat. Every single one of the other patients in the waiting room were staring at us like we were out of our dadgum minds. What in tarnation is that family DOING? The kids hated Daddy’s new job already 😂

Post traumatic event, lollipops and all

The medical clearances came fairly quickly. We then settled in to wait for the security clearance, which we were told would take 6-9 months. A long period of waiting…like an Advent for my soul. In December 2021, I attended a Holy Spirit night at Saint Dominic Catholic Church.  At that event, we prayed the prayer of surrender. As I prayed, I again resolved to surrender all of my fears, my anxieties, and all the uncertainties of our future to the Lord.  That night, prayer teams were available to pray over anyone who wanted to ask the Holy Spirit to enter more fully into their lives.  I walked up to a St. Dominic staff member, and as he was praying over me, I could really, truly FEEL the Holy Spirit!  My head felt warm, my fingers tingling, body trembling.  I left that night feeling God’s presence so close within me, and once again brimming with the knowledge that God had a beautiful plan for my life, if I would but surrender my will to His.  Just a few days later, after Mass, that same staff member walked up to me and said he felt called to share a vivid image that had arisen in his mind that night as he was praying over me.  Hands, and a beautiful, intricate Rosary made of carved wooden beads.  The hands were sliding the beads on the Rosary, one bead at a time. 

     Truth is, I had been feeling called to write for a very long time.  Years in fact.  So many weekends at Mass I would feel this calling, so profound that I would resolve during Mass to begin writing that very night.  But what was I to write?  Who would want to read what I had to say?  Confounded by these questions, and exhausted by the busyness of raising small children, time and time again, I let that whispering voice that was calling me fade away.  Until this.  Through the weeks in adoration, through the women’s retreat, through the Holy Spirit night, the conviction grew stronger and stronger within me.  This journey, this yearning and learning to release my grasp of control to the Father, this growth into a woman able to utter her own poor Fiat, this physical journey to the ends of the earth as well as the spiritual journey to the beginning of my soul, THIS is what I am called to write.  That very night after Nick prayed over me, I began this story.  But one burning question remained.  How could I write a story, when I did not yet know the ending?  Then, just a few days after I placed my trust in our Father and began, though I did not know the ending, this image from Nick.  The Father’s hands, placing one bead at a time on an intricate Rosary.  My life, a Rosary in His hands, some beads already carved and lovingly placed, some yet to be formed and added to the creation.  Decades of beads, decades of my life, both woven for a purpose, both woven for the glorification of God, both as yet unfinished.  I resolved to write the beads that I now have, trusting in God to help me finish my Rosary in his perfect time.

     Less than a month later, on New Year’s Day 2022, Don received an email stating that his Top Secret Security clearance had been granted.  We had been told that once this step was completed, things would move more quickly.  The instant Don told me about the email, butterflies arose in my stomach once again.  I knew we were getting close to the final job offer and the official start of this journey.  On this, the first day of the year, fear and anxiety swam into my mind yet again as I was certain that this year would be one of the hardest yet, if not THE hardest. 

     But God has never left me alone in my fear before, and He wasn’t about to start today.  I had started listening to Fr. Mike Schmitz’s Bible in One Year podcast partway through 2021, and the episode that I listened to that first day of 2022 was perfect for my anxious heart.  Fr. Mike was discussing the story of Peter walking on the water towards Jesus (Matthew 14:22-33).  He explained that if we keep our eyes, our lives focused on Jesus, we stay afloat.  It is when we take our eyes off of Jesus to focus on our fears that we sink, just as Peter did when he took his eyes off of Jesus to focus on the raging waves.  If I focused on everything about this job that scares me–the months of being a single mom, the constant uncertainty about where we would live, how my kids would adjust to moving to new countries, being placed in dangerous situations, leaving my beautiful, safe, faith-filled community in Panama City—I would sink.  After everything that had happened over the last few months, I KNEW that this was Jesus’ will for me, His perfect plan for my life.  So, if this was God’s will for me, and if the Father only desires the ultimate good for his children, then how could I be afraid?  Dear Jesus, help me to keep my eyes locked on yours.  However stormy the seas may be, help me keep my eyes locked on yours!        

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom should I fear? The Lord is my life’s refuge; of whom should I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)